Love Potion Rick
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick makes Morty a love potion so Jessica will like him. Nothing crazy happens its just what you do every day.


Morty walks by Jessica waving at school as shes talking to her friends and she looks his way with a confused glare and he lowers his head and sighs.

As he goes home depressed, flipping through interdimensional cable... Rick walks by drinking his flask.

"Damn Morty... (belch!) usually interdinensional cable cheers you right up after a shitty day at school. Did uhhhh someone die of something?"

"I did Rick...I died inside. Jessica isnt going to notice me Rick. I'm just some scrawny kid with bad grades, I got no real talents or ambitions, I'll never get a girl like her."

"Like her? Morty uhhh (belch) trust me. Im an old man... I've lived a long ass time and I can tell you every guy has had a girl like her. Just get her drunk and you could have her friends too."

"Not like that Rick! I mean like...Like something romantic you know? I wish Jessica wasn't just some shallow highschool bitch trope. I I wish she too just wanted companionship and the acknowledgement that someone cares deeply about her and we grow old and fat together. Eventually one of us dying and the other cries and holds them by the bed side because their presence gives us meaning and a reason to even go to school or work or some other dumb shit you know?"

"Ofcourse I know Morty... I also know thats not going to happen. Jessica is atleast an 8/10 hot piece of ass whose going to wreck her vagina for years to come. Shes going to have a blast at parties, date dudes who are atheletes and who have money because they too are desperate to cling to their social status and while she does it via showing off these high testoterone boys she can bang, they do so by showing off this basically sex show dog. Thats why they're called bitches Morty...shes a fucking show dog. And in twenty years she'll either do something retarded like get married or do something even more retarded and think she can be some fourty year old whore like on Sex In The City. She'll develop a lot of contempt and self loathing as her looks begin to fade and basically become some Darth Vader feminist blaming men for not seeing her as anything more than a meat hole even though she was totally fine being a meat hole when it benefitted her. Thats all humans are Morty...is just incels and feminists blaming eachother for their problems. You think...you think any of these dipshits know how to love on their own Morty? Here take this."

Rick pulls a vial out of his coat and tosses it in Morty's lap.

"Whats this Rick?"

"Its a love potion Morty. (belch) Get Jessica to drink that and she'll fall madly inlove with you in every biological sense. Dopamine to feel good around you, oxytocin to feel attachment and some sort of moral duty toward you. This bio chemical cocktail will compell her to have you as part of her life. Not in some crazy kill your family sense just a real authentic love..."

"Are...are you sure Rick? I mean she isn't going too..."

"No Morty shes not gonna turn into some crazy stalker cunt I know my shit Morty. I measured everything correctly. You...you think you're the first person whose needed external validation? For fucks sake your dad comes to me every couple weeks for one like a God damn junkie to use on Beth."

"Oh wow Rick thats like...thats a disturbing factoid to take in that my parents relationship is fueled by a drug induced lie I mean..."

"All relationships are Morty. Whether the drugs are inside your head or a convenient little love potion. Now go live your stupid little meaningless life of commitment and devotion. But don't come running to me for SHIT got it Morty? Theres a teen titans go marathon on and theres a few episodes I've missed. I...if I have to wait to see all the episodes Morty Im gonna be pissed. You wouldn't like to see me pissed Morty."

"Oh geez Rick you're always kinda pissed and thats...thats a pretty ominous threat to make toward your grandson."

"Oh shit its already starting!"

He shoves Morty out of the way.

"Well either watch Teen Titans Go with me Morty or go drug up Jessica but either way shut your fucking mouth."

"Oh geez..."

The next day at school Morty walks by Jessica again and goes up to her. She stops talking among her friends and just stares at him blankly.

"Uhhhh hey Jessica. I...I've overheard your convos and how you like energy drinks."

"Creepy..."

"Yeeahhh. Well I got you this! Its a new energy drink. They just started selling them."

"Oh? Well that was nice of you I guess...whats it called?"

"Its called love. Yeah...cause you'll love it! Hehheheh..."

Jessica cracks the can open and drinks it. As she gulps it down her eyes diolate and everything pauses.

"Not half bad... you know what? Maybe i've been too hard on you Morty. You seem like a really sweet guy and I just have to ignore you to keep face in front of my slutty friends who probably talk shit behind my back anyway. Howzabout you and me go to Mario's spaghetti? I do love a good pasta."

"Oh wow! S...s...sure Jessica!"

"Cool. Than its a date. See ya around Morty."

Morty grows a big nervous smile on his face and shakes a little.

Later on they are laughing at Mario's spagetti talking about school and Jessica's friends eating pasta.

"So uhhh Jessica. What sort of music you like?"

"Like? Hmmm... I dont know. I mean usually I just listen to whatever I notice seems to be popular. I dont really have a passion for music."

"Okaaay. Any shows or movies? Rick is busy at home watching teen titans go."

"Your grandpa watches cartoons? Wow... thats like...wow. I mean I know cartoons can have depth, plot, and touch on mature subjects probably a hell of a lot better than some CSI bullshit but like... cartoons still are associated with kids and just that alone would scare me from even giving them a chance as than all these assholes would start calling me a weaboo or a nerdy little shit...and i dont think I could handle that."

"Its not important anyway Jessica. Nerds hate eachother too. We...we have stupid arguments online about chronological canon and what the writers personal views are. And soneone always ends up getting banned on reddit or something which isnt even legal but they do it anyway because well...we're nerds and if we were assertive enough to break a moderator's kneecaps we probably wouldn't be wasting our lives in an overly saturated fandom. Going to expensive conventions to escape a cold reality of limited choices and possibilities. Inuyasha has to choose whether to give into his primal demon heritage or try to be more human knowing compassion and empathy. My choice is whether to eat mom's meatloaf or put a burrito in the microwave. It really gives perspective of fictitiousness you know?"

Jessica giggles and waves her feet back and fourth glaring lovingly at Morty.

"You're so smart... I mean I dont understand a word you just said but it SOUNDED smart and normally i'd be intimidated by that and respond with repulsion because it forces me to come to terms with my own insecurities. But maybe...maybe I should stop running. This feels good. It feels right."

Jessica closes her eyes and puckers her lips and Morty goes in for a kiss. Morty kisses her.

"Oh wow... that...that was even better than I always imagined it would be!"

"How about you ask your mom to make meatloaf and I'll come over and I can meet your whole family?"

"That'd be great Jessica!"

As the next day passes Morty is looking around as the clock ticks and the family is dead quiet while only Rick is eating meatloaf.

"Where... where is..."

"I'll make you another fucking potion Morty. Let me enjoy my God damn meatloaf first."

The next day at school she gulps another energy drink to Marilyn Manson's I dont like the drugs (but the drugs like me) song. And they have some more nice dates and Morty begins to feel less and less good at them. He seems bored and uninterested as Jessica laughs. They watch teen titans go with Rick and she cuddles Morty and he seems uninterested.

Morty comes home from school sighing heavily as Rick is half asleep with beer bottles all around the couch.

"Another love potion Morty? Hold oooon..."

Rick rolls and falls off the couch. "Ow fuck!"

"No Rick... you... you dont need to make any more love potions. I giveup. You win."

"Really? Oh thank sweet non existent Jesus."

"All this time i've been spending with Jessica I realize...shes kind of an uninteresting tool. Like...shes just a product of her upbringing. She has no real hobbies or thoughts of her own. And even when she does they don't really synchronize that well with my own. I mean we have fun together sure. And I won't lie...its always exciting to be close to her. But it fades. It fades faster than the love potion Rick... whether she loved me for real or it all be because of the love potion. What does any of it matter? She's still just some dumb girl trying to fit in and I'm still...just Morty. I'm not happy Rick. And I feel guilty about it."

"You should you little bastard. That love potion takes a good entire teen titans go episode to mix together. Luckily for you they just keep showing the pie episode. Maybe you need to find yourself a Tammy instead of focusing so much on a Jessica Raven. Though I suppose Jessica IS the Tammy being some preppy super white girl and you need an autistic goth girl whom you can relate too better."

"No Rick... I'm done with relationships for a while... I just... I'm just gonna go to bed. Sleep it off. The love potion will where off. Jessica will go back to ignoring me...and nothing has really change. Nothing ever does."

"Sorry kid..." Rick takes out his flask and takes a swig as another teen titans go starts.

"Oh shit I dont remember this one!"

"Riiick Beth is threatening to divorce me I need..."

Rick punches Jerry in the stomach.

"Fuck off Jerry! It can wait thirty minutes!"


End file.
